"It's stuck! It's stuuuuuuuuuuuuck"
Just so ya'all don't go thinking it is all sunshine and sweet stories and smiling children munching happily on boiled kale over here...
We do lead a pretty charmed life, all told. We sew fun things and have family dances in the kitchen and go for happy walks in our back woods and play with our natural wooden toys. But it it is still darn hard work some days. There are days that are so filled up with with teething red cheeks and impossible contrary-ness that I wonder if I will sink under it all. There are days where I raise my voice. There are days when I wish I would have done it all better, days when the dishes aren't done and the toys are strewn and there is no plan for supper and the toddler is screeching and pulling the baby's feet in the sling, and wearing a pair of pants that have clearly been peed, and telling me he has a headache in his tummy and so should be able to watch a movie ("NO! I CAN watch a movie! I CAN!)
It's funny with blogs. I am always reluctant to show the gritty underbelly of our family here. I think of it mostly as a cross between a baby book and a family letter- somewhere to record the milestones and paste in the cute pictures, not the place to record trials and tantrums and parenting conundrums. But it seems silly to be here on a regular basis and pretend things are always good and shiny and bright. Especially when times are tough.
And, here I am admitting that they are tough right now. It has been a hard adjustment since Perry has been back to work, for Ari especially, who for the first time in his young life, does not have the full attention of one or more adults. He is struggling and it is heartbreaking to watch, and so hard to figure out how to help him. We continue to try all sorts of things- special Ari-mama time when Dorian is sleeping, talking about when he was a baby and looking at his baby pictures, helping him find ways he can help take care of Dorian, spending lots of time with him, playing and reading and snuggling, inviting his dependence- letting him still be my baby if he wants to be. I met with our homeopath friend and got a remedy for him. I wrote an Enki-style mirror story for him. And we let him know over and over and over how much we love him, how precious he is to us. He is such a sweet, life-filled little guy, I want so much to help him through this with his happy little heart intact. And he will, right? People have siblings, and grow to love them and embrace them and know that they are all equally loved... right? Right?
And in the meantime we will just try and fill our days with as much of the sunny, happy, dance-party times as we can. And no, he doesn't really eat the boiled kale. But he does love goji berries and flax oil on toast.
Don't worry! I have three children, and hope to have more...truly, siblings are the greatest gift you can give to your children. Siblings teach our children how to love, how to share, how to be team.Babies teach children (and us) how precious and valued each new life really is. You should never feel guilty for giving your son brothers and sisters..consider how many "only children" grow up feeling truly lonely, and sometimes selfish, too.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mom!!
I see that Heather has said it already...you are giving Ari the greatest gift. A brother. I am witness to some pretty amazing adult brother relationships. The closeness of these men is awesome. And their mother (and my husband, who as an only child grew up as an honorary brother among them) can attest to the fact that the early days were not easy!
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing the right things. Telling you to let go of your guilt is a waste of time, I know! Guilt seems to be part of parenting, doesn't it? But I think you'll see some big changes as Dorian grows a little bigger. And new siblinghood is never easy in the middle of winter (I've done it!) even if there isn't any reaction from the Big Sibling.
Thank you for sharing some of the harder stuff with us. I've just started a blog myself and hope that I am able to keep it "real".
Here's to Spring!
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to make Ari feel secure and loved. Don't worry as I am sure it will all work out and when Dorian is up and running around the games shall truly begin!
ReplyDeleteI grew up an only child for nine years, I was soooo lonely. Always wishing for a sibling, but I think he came along too late. I love him of course, but the age difference always had us living in our own worlds. My husband and his sister on the other hand, were just barely a year apart. He said that was really difficult, although he always had a companion. We wanted to try something in between for our children (a 6 year gap). There are days when that gap seems too far apart and it is hard especially for my oldest, but some days are very good. They do love each other very much. My conclusion: there isn't a perfect gap. There are cloudy days when you think you just can't go another step before exploding, and then there are sun filled days when you are bursting with joy for what you have. Everything happens for a reason. Everything is meant to be, just the way it is. Here is to every single day with our gifts, that are our children. Anna
ReplyDeleteMy son went through the same thing when his sister (now one) was born. Now (already, yet it took forever) they are friends most of the time. And due to lots of what you wrote you are doing for Ari, my son is happy and knows he is unconditionally loved. Do you read Neufield?
ReplyDeleteThere are rough patches, but it will get better.
Thank you for sharing one of your most heartfelt posts I have ever read. I have a two year old son and a baby on the way. I too have been worrying how my litlle guy will adjust to these changes. I have this fear that my little guy will think that "mommy loves the new baby more then me". At this stage I am worried and scared of what is to come. Thank you again for your post it's just comforting for me to hear from another mother that I'm not alone in my concerns.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is a tough time right now, but, you're also teaching him a valuable life lesson: that sometimes in life you have to share attention and learn to wait for your turn. Every post in your blog shows that you're doing that gently and sensitively, and this one in particular.
ReplyDeleteOh mama friend. Yes, I agree with all of the other comments. You are a wonderful mama and are absolutely doing the right things. Just like right before babies master a new task they might have sleep issues or regress in other areas...this is the same. Just watch...in a few weeks time, he will grow into the big brother role just fine. He's just trying to figure it out on his own. Independant little man you have. As a mama of three boys who are inseperable, hang in there.
ReplyDeletehaving two boys myself, i also find it is a tricky balancing act...i'm guessing mine have a bigger age spread (1&4) and i'm sure that makes a difference... it's easier. it's sounds like you're doing wonderful things with them and it will get easier as the baby gets older and starts doing more "tricks" :)
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I hear you. I was in exactly the same position as you a year ago. I promise you, it gets easier. My two are only 17 months apart and my little boy dealt with his new baby sister by hitting her! Whenever we weren't looking! It was terrible! Plus she had reflux and was impossible to get to sleep so needed so much holding. It was so hard on Liam as he was really still a baby himself. I spent many days in tears.
ReplyDeleteBut now... Isla is 14 months and Liam 2 1/2 and they just love and adore each other and are the best of friends. It's amazing,thay are just adorable with each other.
As Dorian grows and starts interacting with Ari he will see he's a little person too and when they giggle together and start sharing toys and playing together you will see it was all worth it :o) - and it will happen soon too, before you know it!
xx
Hanna